Tag Archives: shit

My Stomach Is In Hell People.

23 Jun

I have a thing for snacks. I like snacks. Hey, who doesn’t? I eat my favorite snack until I can’t stand the sight of it. Yup. I overdo it.

My ex used to bring home my most favorite snack. If I liked Lorna Doone cookies, he’d bring home boxes and boxes until I couldn’t take it anymore. He’d bring home a box the next week and they’d just sit there. I couldn’t bring myself to eat anymore. Not one.

I’ve reached that point with my latest snack. And I can only blame myself. Chester’s Flamin’ Hot Fries. Oh no, these are NOT your regular Hot Fries. These things are like little pieces of hell! But taste like Heaven. mmmmmm

I saw them at CVS last week, picked up 2 bags, turned around and picked up 1 more, you know…just in case I REALLY liked them. Apparently I did. I ate 2.5 of those bags. My daughter (lover of all things HOT), ate half of a bag. My mouth burned, my throat burned, my fingers were red and little crumbs of red fire were all over my clothes…but no…I couldn’t stop.

This week, I marched right into CVS and purchased 3 bags (off rip). No need in pretending I only needed 2. What if there was a monsoon and I couldn’t get back to CVS anytime soon??? Once at home, I didn’t bother with dinner. I made plates for the kids and figured I’d eat some Hot Fries FIRST, you know, before they went bad or something. First taste always sets your mouth on fire, but you drink a little something and you tough it out. I toughed it out. Skipped dinner. Ate a bowl of cereal. With milk. MILK PEOPLE! I do not get along with MILK.

So there I sat, with a belly full of flaming corn snacks and milk. MILK. I have this theory that milk curdles in my stomach. No other way to explain the nasty feeling I get when I drink it. Burning, curdling belly.

My daughter wanted some Hot Fries. I told her it was too late. I joked about it giving her nightmares. SPICY FOODS GIVE YOU NIGHTMARES AND HOT FLASHES!! I went to bed that night with a burning curdling belly…and…had nightmares.

I woke up multiple times feeling ill.

And guess what people? That did NOT stop me from having more today! But I just got sicker! So I’m done!! Dear Internets, I am DONE! I haven’t felt this ill since…since…since my dude let me drink orange juice. ORANGE JUICE! I’ll tell you what orange juice does to mean another time. It’s just as gross as the milk curdling thing.

So, I’m packing the last bags of Hot Fries away. Giving them to charity or something.

Oh, and I know the worst isn’t over. If it feels like fire going in…well…you know.

Yea. I’m Still On My Sleep Issues.

15 Jan

So, if you’ve been keeping up, you know I have serious sleep issues. I’ve been a bad sleeper all my life though. It’s not often that I can sleep through the night. For some reason, I can sleep through the day better. I read about a study that said people that work the night shift, or stay up all night are more prone to cancer. Shit. Everything gives you cancer now though.

Anyway, last night I was real tired around 9:30. Figured I’d hit the sack and see if I could make it through the night. Around midnight I hear one of the girls making a bathroom trip. (I sleep light when I’m the only adult in the house) That woke me up, but I was back sleep in just a few minutes. Then, at 3:00 I hear Raphael digging on the side of the bed. Trying to find a toy he dropped. UGH! I spent the next 40 minutes trying to get back to sleep (I have to get up at 6). You see how well that worked, since I’m here blogging at almost 4am.

I’m still going to wake up at my usual time. And no naps during the day. Hopefully tomorrow night I’ll be tired again and I can try it all over.

STJSM: The Toilet Paper Roll.

31 Dec

“Weezy”: George, have you noticed the toilet paper in the bathroom?
George: Heh. Only when it ain’t there!

This blog is pointless. And most of them are. But with my lack of sleep (oh yea, I’m still lacking), I’ve had much time to think about SHIT THAT JUST SHOULDN’T MATTER.

When I was a child, my mum taught me how to put toilet paper (Never, ever call it tissue I was told by my ex. Tissue is for your nose. Toilet paper is for your bum.). Anyway, she told me that the “tongue” should be over NEVER under because that’s just ass backwards. And for years she’d come behind me and say, “Geez Robin, why on Earth do you like to see the toilet paper ass backwards!!” (except…my mother never cursed…although, she did SPELL frickin’ to me one time when she was super mad at me)

So I developed issues. Just one of the many.

The tongue must be over! Never under! Never ever!

Fast forward 13 years. I moved in with someone (the ex-spouse) who was taught the exact…total…opposite. Now, I had lived with people before, but they just didn’t give a shit either way. But he said I was putting it on backwards and NO ONE had ever told me that (since the GEEZ ROBIN’s from my mother). I laughed in his face and told him he was insane. My mum, the queen of all mother’s, instructed me the CORRECT way. And his mother, well…let’s just say she was wrong.

If I went in the bathroom and saw it “upside down” with the tongue coming from underneath I’d change it and grumble – sometimes loud enough for him to hear.

After a while I got tired of changing it, so I’d just grumble. Have you ever seen the toilet paper come from UNDER?? That shit’s ugly! But, as the years went by, I noticed it less and less. Probably because as the years went by, I spent more time changing baby diapers and less time worrying about a pretty bathroom (I love pretty bathrooms).

Today, I can honestly say I’ve kicked the habit. Right now, I don’t even know which way the toilet paper is hanging. Wait, let me go look.

Heck. Right now, the toilet paper isn’t even on the holder. It’s empty and a full one is on the tub and another full one is on the back of the toilet! Talk about overcoming obsessive compulsive behaviors! Aye! What a slob!

Here is my drawing of today’s SHIT THAT JUST SHOULDN’T MATTER!


Remember kids, the ass of the toilet paper should face the world.

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